*Knowing that this day would be pretty emotional for me, I wrote this a month ago, in anticipation of today. I am glad I did it then!*
It is actually February 25. I know that the boys' first birthday is fast approaching, and I want some time to gather my thoughts, to say exactly what is in my heart. This birthday is bitter sweet. I can't believe a year has passed me by so quickly.
Babies coming home. Washing bottles. 11, 2, 5, 8, am and pm. Wake the baby, change the baby, feed the baby, put him back to sleep. Wake the other baby, change the other baby, feed the other baby, put him back to sleep.
I don't think I can do this. It is still too hard. Words seem to make it cheap. It is not. The most bitter part of all this is the time. I don't remember it all. I feel like I missed it. So much of it. I wonder where I was, but I was right here for it all. I feel like I missed them as babies. But I know I didn't-I had six more weeks of baby that most people get.
I wish that I had held them more. I wish that I had snuggled them more. I wish that I hadn't been so sleep deprived. That there weren't so many bottles to wash. That there had been more time for rocking and holding. Those are the most bitter parts.
But then there are the sweet parts. Like Jonathan's smile. Like going to get William from his nap and seeing him bounce up and down in the crib, holding on to the edge. Hearing them laugh. William laying his little head on my shoulder.
Seeing how happy they are when Emma walks into the room.
Watching their reaction when they hear Aaron's voice. Feeding them Cheerios. Sneaking in to watch them sleep, noticing that they are both sleeping in the same position. Dressing them alike so that I am the only one who can tell them apart. Carrying two babies at once.
Watching them crawl all over the living room. Seeing William pet Jonathan's head when he is supposed to be asleep. Laying in the floor and being attacked by two smiling, slobbery babies. Jonathan playing with my hair.
Watching them try to share their Cheerios. Seeing that there really is a bond between twins. Knowing that it must be fun to share life with your best friend. Wondering if they were such good friends in the pre-Earth life that they couldn't bear to be separated while on earth.
I feel so lucky, so blessed, so happy, so pleased. Excited to watch them grow. Excited for what lies ahead. But there is also apprehension. Apprehension in knowing they will continue to grow up. Knowing they will go to school. That one day someone might be mean to them. Missions. Having two sons gone for two years...at the same time. Knowing that boys like to be daring. And brave. And silly.
Knowing that my boys are "Hale" boys. (Don't understand that? Do you know many Hale boys?)
January 2009One day, Aaron and I were talking and he said, "Can you imagine life without both of these little guys?" And my answer is, "No way!"
I love you so much baby boys.