Happy First Birthday Baby Brothers!

February 2009

Today is William and Jonathan's first birthday! We are so happy to have "baby brothers" in our family.

December 2008

I remember being shocked when we got the news that we were having twins. I even struggled with it a little. But now...I know that life would not be as sweet if I didn't have them both. I love my little guys so much. I have just loved that last year. It has been a lot of hard work, but it has really been great! Happy birthday, baby brothers! We love you so much!

March 2009

*Knowing that this day would be pretty emotional for me, I wrote this a month ago, in anticipation of today. I am glad I did it then!*

It is actually February 25. I know that the boys' first birthday is fast approaching, and I want some time to gather my thoughts, to say exactly what is in my heart. This birthday is bitter sweet. I can't believe a year has passed me by so quickly.

July 2008

The details surrounding their birth are still a bit fuzzy although as I have replayed that time in my head, I feel that Heavenly Father was truly watching over my little family. I recognize that He knew and He had a plan, even though I had no idea. Maybe I will blog that one some other time, but not now. It is too much.

Blessing Gowns

October 2008

Anyway, the details surrounding the birth are still pieced together in my mind. I remember going to the hospital. Being told something about a high liver count, low white blood cell count, babies now, put you to sleep, your husband cannot be with you. I remember being wheeled down the hall, into an operating room, sweet, sweet nurses in blue scrubs, blue face masks, and blue hair "nets." Counting backward. Blackness. Waking up, feeling groggy. Aaron at my side. Aaron by my side, asking if the babies were okay, if I was okay. Oxygen masks. Wheelchair. NICU. Not getting to hold William. Falling asleep while holding Jonathan. Leaving the hospital. Leaving my babies there. Coming home, empty house. Daily trips to the hospital to see the babies. Pumping, endlessly.

March 2008

Babies coming home. Washing bottles. 11, 2, 5, 8, am and pm. Wake the baby, change the baby, feed the baby, put him back to sleep. Wake the other baby, change the other baby, feed the other baby, put him back to sleep.

I don't think I can do this. It is still too hard. Words seem to make it cheap. It is not. The most bitter part of all this is the time. I don't remember it all. I feel like I missed it. So much of it. I wonder where I was, but I was right here for it all. I feel like I missed them as babies. But I know I didn't-I had six more weeks of baby that most people get.

April 2008

I wish that I had held them more. I wish that I had snuggled them more. I wish that I hadn't been so sleep deprived. That there weren't so many bottles to wash. That there had been more time for rocking and holding. Those are the most bitter parts.

May 2008

But then there are the sweet parts. Like Jonathan's smile. Like going to get William from his nap and seeing him bounce up and down in the crib, holding on to the edge. Hearing them laugh. William laying his little head on my shoulder.

August 2008

Seeing how happy they are when Emma walks into the room.

July 2008

Watching their reaction when they hear Aaron's voice. Feeding them Cheerios. Sneaking in to watch them sleep, noticing that they are both sleeping in the same position. Dressing them alike so that I am the only one who can tell them apart. Carrying two babies at once.

September 2008

Watching them crawl all over the living room. Seeing William pet Jonathan's head when he is supposed to be asleep. Laying in the floor and being attacked by two smiling, slobbery babies. Jonathan playing with my hair.

November 2008

Watching them try to share their Cheerios. Seeing that there really is a bond between twins. Knowing that it must be fun to share life with your best friend. Wondering if they were such good friends in the pre-Earth life that they couldn't bear to be separated while on earth.

June 2008

I feel so lucky, so blessed, so happy, so pleased. Excited to watch them grow. Excited for what lies ahead. But there is also apprehension. Apprehension in knowing they will continue to grow up. Knowing they will go to school. That one day someone might be mean to them. Missions. Having two sons gone for two years...at the same time. Knowing that boys like to be daring. And brave. And silly.

October 2008

Knowing that my boys are "Hale" boys. (Don't understand that? Do you know many Hale boys?)

January 2009

One day, Aaron and I were talking and he said, "Can you imagine life without both of these little guys?" And my answer is, "No way!"

November 2008

Although it has been hard at times, some of the sweetest moments of my life have been as the mother of these little guys. Nothing could ever prepare me for the love that I feel for them. I once wondered if it was possible to share the love I had for Emma with two more kids. I was told that it was possible. That it was definite. I am here to say, you were right. I think a mother's heart only grows. It only produces more and more love.

I love you so much baby boys.